Unlike when Jordan Riley was born, and I was so quick to sit and write and write… I’m finding it much harder to do so with Mya Sage. It’s been fine for me to recall bits and pieces here and there, I think because in little doses, I can handle it easier. But, to write her whole story, from my perspective – knowing to do it, I will likely need to sit and write, start to finish.. it’s felt overwhelmingly sad, achey… a place I just don’t want to go again. *takes deep breath*

Monday, October 17 @ 10 a.m. (I’m not going for exact times, in general)
I don’t usually sleep well and Sunday night was no exception. I was up late, unable to fall asleep and dosed fitfully until I saw dawn creeping in the windows. So, when my phone rang around 10, I almost didn’t answer it. It was one of those feelings that I should, so I did.

I heard Cassie sobbing on the other end of the line. I asked her “what?”, but in hindsight, it was a question I knew, just didn’t understand. Much like a child will say “what?” to something when it’s not the words they didn’t understand, but the meaning. She didn’t answer me, it sounded like someone was in the room with her and she was talking to them – though I wasn’t sure what was going on, it sounded like she was talking to a nurse. And I tried to fit things into place, what she said to understand – and I thought, ‘something is wrong with her birthing at the birth center’.. which, in and of itself didn’t make sense.. nothing really fit.

Both boys heard me ask Cas “what” and both went on alert, stopping what they were doing to listen to and watch me. So I’m sure I knew what Cas said to me, my tone of voice had to have alerted the boys that something was wrong, really wrong.

When she came back to the phone, and told me “They can’t find the heartbeat…” What broke my heart right then was her cry when she told me she couldn’t take it, couldn’t handle this.. I think I opened a door in my mind and hid part of myself in there. I don’t know how I got through the next few days if I hadn’t. She told me they were sending her downstairs for an ultrasound – I told her we were on our way. Both boys and I quickly threw on clothes and were out the door.

On my way to the hospital, I called Bob, Emily and Barbara. I cried and cried.. Got to the hospital, wiped my tears and hurried in to find them. After some debate about where she was.. we were told to go up a few floors to the perinatal imaging office.

I walked in the door, and I knew right then, there was no hope left that here had been a mistake. I could see it on every woman’s face in that office, they knew the anguish my family was facing. And part of me wanted to tell them No. Tell them I’m not going in their office, I’m not going to follow them. I don’t want to hear it. And all the while I followed them back to the room, with each boy trailing in line behind me, I knew what was happening, and that as much as I wanted to turn and go the other direction, I couldn’t.

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This is the stillbirth story of Mya Sage, written by my daughter Cassie.
Mya Sage stillborn October 18, 2011 at 6:50 a.m. weighing 6lbs 11 oz and 19.5 inches tall.

I will go back through later and add pictures, as we’ve got many and would like to share. As of this posting (10/21), I am not pre-reading this – I still have my story to write and don’t want her story to mix with mine in my thoughts.. will go back through it later.

Posted with permission.
In my daughters words, her story, written to her angel daughter….

I keep looking back to yesterday. I know I felt you.. I just know it.. I swear you had hiccups just last night, yet I sit here second guessing myself. Did I feel you pushing your little tooshie up into my ribs? Or jabbing your hand into my cervix?

Daddy is home today, on a Monday. Very rare. I’m so excited he gets to come to one of your appointments. The last one he went to was when we got to see you at 10 weeks – all gummybear-ish and perfect.

We’re driving, joking about today being a nakey-butt appointment. 36 weeks – they’ll want to do the Group B Strep culture. Daddy questions the need for a naked butt when they’re testing for Strep (you know, mouth swab, teehee).

No wait in the waiting room this time. A refreshing change from the typical 1hr+ wait that Anna and I typically endure.

180lbs. Uggh.. been sick all week, and I still packed on the pounds!

The nurse is nice today. Small talk about the weather being chilly, and the prediction of rain all week. She questions movement two different times this time. Odd, but I give it no second thought.

Mik comes in. She’s always so friendly, just chit chatting away like we’re old pals. Pulls out the goop and the doppler.. no instant heartbeat, like normal. I’m distracted by the chit chatting at first. She moves to the other side, nothing. The bottom of my belly, nothing. I start to wonder why you aren’t squirming away from her prodding. Mik speculates that you’re back is against my back, but I know better. I say something about Yaya losing your aunt Jordan years ago. Mik is reassuring, trying to distract me more with small talk, but still not finding your heartbeat. I know that if you were still in there, we would hear your placenta at least. We would hear something. I would feel you seeking escape from the invasive doppler.
Nothing.
I know you’re gone, and the tears start rolling. I call Yaya and sob to her that they can’t find your heartbeat. She says her and the boys are getting dressed and leaving.

Mik sends us for an ultrasound right then and there. Daddy keeps asking if everything is alright – he even suggests grabbing a cup of coffee to get you going. I tell him coffee doesn’t make a heart start beating. I think it scares him. I feel bad.

We’re in the dark ultrasound room. The tech is very sweet. Actually, the whole staff is.. but they know what has happened. I can see it on their faces. The sympathy. I ignore it, and tell myself it was a technical error with the doppler. We’ll see that beautiful heart beating on the screen. But deep down inside, I know it’s not the truth.

You’re on the screen. So still. Like a photograph. Your big sister sees you and says, “Look, it’s Sissy!”. Before the tech announces it, we know. There was no little flicker. No anything.

All the tech says is, “I’m so so sorry”.. and it sets in. I’ve never cried so hard in my life.

You were just there. You were just rolled up in my belly, making me uncomfortable as you try to stretch and make yourself comfy. You just had hiccups.. Letting Anna feel them and giggle. How did I not know you were gone?

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It is with a heavy heart that I share this sad news. One stillbirth in a family is too many, but we now have another sweet Angel to watch over our family.

My daughter, Cassie, gave birth to Mya Sage, on Tuesday, October 18th 2011, at 6:50a.m. Mya Sage weighed 6 pounds 11 ounces and was 19 ½ inches tall. She was born with a head of soft dark hair, had her daddy’s cute little toes, and looked just like her big sister Anna.

When we lost Jordan Riley, 11 years ago, we were left with an unknown cause of her passing. We opted to not have an autopsy performed, as the percentage of this providing any reason if often too high for us to feel it was worth it. While we are heartbroken at our new loss, we were at least able to see what had happened. A “cord accident”.

A cord wrapped around a baby’s neck isn’t necessarily enough to cause injury – as the cord is still attached to the mother, and is providing everything the baby needs, as well as oxygen via the bloodstream.

In Mya Sage’s case, the cord was wrapped twice around her neck and looped around under her arm. This in and of itself wasn’t the cause. It was the way the cord wrapped upon itself causing two loops that pulled against each other – thus creating a sort of double “kink”. It is a tragedy to be sure… but we at least know how it happened. Wondering “why” will forever be a question in our minds and hearts.

My daughter is writing Mya Sage’s birth story and has been sweet enough to allow me to post here on Momma Muse when it is finished. I will write the story myself, too, from my perspective and will share that too.

Cassie, her partner Daniel, and their little girl Anna (along with doggy Zoey) have been able to quietly spend this time together. They have had lots of family come together to support and share in the grief.

Myself…

When I have allowed myself a minute to think here and there, I’ve remembered how I felt years ago, drowning in the grief of my own loss; I remember the numbness, the feeling of how the world around me was still turning, everyone still going about their everyday lives.. while my world felt as though it had come to a grounding halt. I’ve remembered hurting so bad, that feeling deep in my chest of pain and anguish, my heart seeming to physically feel the pain of loss… and going out in the night, in our back yard, and laying down in the grass and sobbing.

But, still, I’ve been keeping myself from really “feeling”. I don’t want to let myself get close to these feelings. The anger I feel… I want to shake my fists and scream at the sky how unfair this is.. I want to take the pain from this young couple, and not let them feel this. I’d take it in a second, without thought – give me that grief and let them never feel it. As much that I don’t want to feel the hurt I know is there for my girl.. Because as much as I hurt for the loss of this beautiful young life, I hurt even more for my daughter and her pain, for Daniel’s loss… for Anna’s confusion. I keep wanting to say “it’s not fair”…. and I don’t care that Life isn’t fair, I know that.. I know it’s not… doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Anna knows her baby sister grew wings and flew. She’ll always have her own special Angel.

Will write the story when my heart and mind can handle more.

I read this news story the other day, possibly, you read it too, about a 59 year old man who was illegally video taped having sex with his 50 year old comatose wife in a nursing home – where he thought he had some privacy. Now, my first thought was kind of “um, eww.. she was comatose”.

But, here’s a few more details. They two were married in 1988. The didn’t have any kids. He went to visit her every single day, reading to her from the bible, moving her arms and legs so they wouldn’t atrophy. In thinking a little deeper on this, I almost find it sweet… He loved her so much. I can imagine he talked to her like she could hear him, he read to her like she was listening and he probably loved on her like she was still aware. Whether that’s considered illegal or not, I can see in a way, where he was coming from. We, the general public, the deciders of what’s “normal” and “acceptable” in society don’t have to see it his way, it just is.

In 2000, my husband and I lost a baby. She was stillborn – I knew it when I turned 36 weeks during the pregnancy and she was born about 5 days later. I wrote pretty in-depth about my pregnancy and the birth story at the time. It was my “therapy”. Over the first few years, I edited parts of it out, because even though the majority of the responses I received were positive, and even thankful, a handful were not and I felt so bare and judged. I wish now I’d left it alone. Anyway, the thing is, when we are in a situation that is not the “norm”, we may handle things differently than what you, who has never been in that situation, may handle it. When we lost our baby, it was my husbands first child. We didn’t know her gender… it was so hard. But we did things like dress her, hold her, take pictures… all things that in years to come, we’d have as mementos. We talk about her, we note (but don’t really celebrate) her birthday.

What sparked my thoughts on this today, was first the article about the man and his wife.. but then this morning, an article about Why infants still die from SIDS. It’s unknown. We just don’t know why. We do everything right – like our baby Jordan… no idea why. I equivalate our baby’s stillbirth with SIDS.

People do things during times of stress and heartache, they may not otherwise do or may in other times, think odd or even gross.. but who are we to judge and condemn them until we have been there? And trust me, I’d never wish a person to walk the path of heartache, loss.

Reward Rebel tagged me for Random Facts about me. I didn’t realize until this morning that Connie from Easy Share also tagged me for the same thing! I was double tagged. Wow! I’m terrible with doing these things in a timely manner.. but I think I’m only a week or so late on this one.

1. I gave birth to our oldest son in a kiddie pool, in our living room with just my husband, my mom and the girls here with us – a planned, unassisted homebirth. We video taped the whole thing. We did end up transferring to the hospital after the birth because Tege was slow to start breathing – that is normal for a water birthed baby.

2. The year before our oldest son was born, I was pregnant with my husbands first baby. At 36 weeks pregnant, she died of unknown cause – she was stillborn almost a week later. I can’t even tell you how difficult that time was – I didn’t want to leave my house, even to get the mail for fear someone would ask how things where. Losing a child, at any age is horrible… birth stories … while we don’t talk about it much any more, she is still part of our family. We have a garden dedicated to Jordan.. which this year, the boys will help plant, weed and water.

3. I make soap, though I do sell it, mostly I make it because I love making it. I haven’t used regular store bought soap (or deodorant bars) in about 6 years. I share tutorials and recipes about handmade soap on this site. My favorites are the Oatmeal Milk & Honey (scented, with real goat milk and oatmeal), Lavender (with goat milk, lavender and lavender essential oils), and Yuzu (a crisp, grapefruit scent – Japanese Grapefruit).

4. I love pets. Currently, living in our tiny house we have 3 dogs (Bean, our whippet girlie and oldest; Sky, our adopted Australian Shepherd; Enzo, my italian greyhound boy); I’ve assumed ownership of Olivia, my tiny, sweet Apricot African Pygmy Hedgehog – my little piggy; Not mine – 7 adorable and friendly rats, momma rat is a “dumbo” and the older she gets the sweeter! Oh.. and the cat.. she’s been with us forever; and a 10 gallon fish tank. In the past, I also had a couple of smiling leopard geckos, bunnies, a bird (mustache parakeet) and a multitude of other rats, cats, pooches and fishes.

5. I met my husband through my ex-husband – we were still married. Bad relationship and after too many years (but two lovely girls) we parted ways and he moved in with a friend from work. I had met this friend a few times, but when they moved in together, I started seeing him a bit more. He asked me to see Lyle Lovett in concert and even got permission from my then-to-be ex… one thing led to another and today, we’ve been happily (almost the whole time, ha!) married 11 years.

6. I have Crohn’s Disease. This is a big deal for me because I’ve always been so healthy.. and in the last 2 years, so much has happened. It’s not easy to deal with things like not being able to eat what you want – I’m talking even healthy food, like salad, beans.. so much makes me hurt, or worse, I throw up. Sometimes one of the hardest things being sick, is it’s not always (usually never) apparent to other people. I am sick and I hurt and I may come across crabby.. but it’s *because* I’m sick and I hurt. I sometimes wish for a t-shirt or a sign “Just because I look healthy, doesn’t mean I am”.

7. I can be kind of obsessive about things. Two summers ago, I spent a week digging a hole about 5×7 and 30 inches deep so I could put in a pond. I wanted a natural pond, so it would help wildlife.. after digging with a shovel, having my husband cut the roots with his saws-all, picking just under 1 million rocks and pebbles, I decided I couldn’t afford it and filled the whole thing back in. (Thanks GG, my lovely grandma, for this trait… actually I like the trait and I adore my GG.)

There you go.

I am going to just tag one person:
Marianne – and Marianne, you don’t have to play along.

Invitation to Play:
If anyone else wants to play, leave a comment here to your post (so others can visit, of course) and have fun!

Already done it? That’s ok.. leave your link anyway. I’ll come read your random facts and leave my link too.