I read this news story the other day, possibly, you read it too, about a 59 year old man who was illegally video taped having sex with his 50 year old comatose wife in a nursing home – where he thought he had some privacy. Now, my first thought was kind of “um, eww.. she was comatose”.
But, here’s a few more details. They two were married in 1988. The didn’t have any kids. He went to visit her every single day, reading to her from the bible, moving her arms and legs so they wouldn’t atrophy. In thinking a little deeper on this, I almost find it sweet… He loved her so much. I can imagine he talked to her like she could hear him, he read to her like she was listening and he probably loved on her like she was still aware. Whether that’s considered illegal or not, I can see in a way, where he was coming from. We, the general public, the deciders of what’s “normal” and “acceptable” in society don’t have to see it his way, it just is.
In 2000, my husband and I lost a baby. She was stillborn – I knew it when I turned 36 weeks during the pregnancy and she was born about 5 days later. I wrote pretty in-depth about my pregnancy and the birth story at the time. It was my “therapy”. Over the first few years, I edited parts of it out, because even though the majority of the responses I received were positive, and even thankful, a handful were not and I felt so bare and judged. I wish now I’d left it alone. Anyway, the thing is, when we are in a situation that is not the “norm”, we may handle things differently than what you, who has never been in that situation, may handle it. When we lost our baby, it was my husbands first child. We didn’t know her gender… it was so hard. But we did things like dress her, hold her, take pictures… all things that in years to come, we’d have as mementos. We talk about her, we note (but don’t really celebrate) her birthday.
What sparked my thoughts on this today, was first the article about the man and his wife.. but then this morning, an article about Why infants still die from SIDS. It’s unknown. We just don’t know why. We do everything right – like our baby Jordan… no idea why. I equivalate our baby’s stillbirth with SIDS.
People do things during times of stress and heartache, they may not otherwise do or may in other times, think odd or even gross.. but who are we to judge and condemn them until we have been there? And trust me, I’d never wish a person to walk the path of heartache, loss.
