After Jordan’s stillbirth.
The nurse cleaned me up, the doctors left the room, the nurse made sure we had the placenta and could get it home to a freezer and then she left.
We begin the process of healing, grieving the loss of our baby, the loss of our child.
Jordan was with us from birth until our hospital stay was done. We held her, we kissed her. We took pictures of her. We shared her with our family… which before had seemed an almost morbid thought to me, the thought of looking, touching or holding a lifeless body, but at this time, was so right, so important to others too. We kept her close to us, and napped a bit before getting ready to go home. No one bothered us, no one came in. Oh, not true, the nurse who helped, she came in to tell me she was going home soon. She told me we did good, gave me a hug, gave Bob a hug. She told us Jordan was beautiful. She had tears in her eyes after Jordan’s birth, and again when she left. She told me she would think of me on Mother’s Day. And true to her word, I received a phone call from her yesterday, making sure I was ok. We napped in the room, with Jordan by us… I looked at Jordan’s mouth and did feel so much sadness that those perfect little lips would never wrap around my nipple to nurse, never smile, never wrinkle in fits of frustration… so sad.
When we were ready to go, we asked the nurse to come get her. We couldn’t leave her alone in the room. We stood and cried and held each other. To watch our baby go… and us… leaving the hospital alone. I carried a blanket the whole time I was there. The one I wanted for her so bad, it is now my blanket. I’ve slept with it every night, held it close. She left holding a little pink elephant. We will pick up her things this week from the hospital.
We had Jordan at 5:08p and didn’t leave the hospital until 12a, so we had her with us for 7 very short hours. But, we had her to ourselves for every minute of those 7 hours.
I just wanted everyone to know how good they were to us. Things weren’t at all how we wanted. But, they were good to us. Gave us privacy through the whole visit, from the beginning all the way up to the end. We couldn’t have asked for any better.
Just one more thought, before we went to the hospital, I have to say I was terrified of going through labor to birth a stillborn baby, our Jordan. I was so prepared for a homebirth, natural, in water. This was not what I’d planned for, not was I was prepared for. I was so afraid of what birthing a still baby would do to me. I didn’t think I’d have the strength. More than one person, worrying about me, suggested a c-section. For some reason, that just was not even an option. I felt so strongly that having Jordan vaginally was important. I felt that it was part of the healing process for me, no matter how scared I was. It turned out that it wasn’t what I thought. I didn’t cry right after her birth, I felt right. It was supposed to be this way, I was healing already, and Jordan was helping me. Just like birthing a live baby brings a woman joy, I felt joy at birthing Jordan. It was bittersweet, true, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.
We have already started our healing, but we knew it could not begin until Jordan was released, and so we did. I believe that Jordan’s soul went long before her birth, her release was for us, her family. I am now the mother of 3 girls. One an Angel, born with wings.
Just a quick note.. at the time of this writing, it’s a new year, January 2005. We have gone on to have 2 more babies. Teigen, our unassisted homebirth water baby and Ryland, our last, a midwife assisted hospital birth. We still think about where our little Jordan would be today, if we she had lived. However, we do not wish to change the fact that we have two wonderful boys now and two older daughters. We are not people to live in the past… we always do our best to look forward.Â
It saddens us each time we hear of an infant loss… During our past two pregnancies.. two list-mom friends have lost their babies. After our loss, there were certain things that I seemed to almost search out. Angels, Dolphins, Butterflies, Ladybugs in particular, I even had a blanket of Jordan’s that I loved. Everyone has their own thing in which they find comfort. Searching for Infant Loss Gifts, Memorial Gifts or Remembrance Gifts could bring up some items which would be beneficial to grieving families.
Below are pictures of our daughter. Please keep in mind, she was stillborn. These stillborn baby pictures are not meant to be unnerving to others.. though I certainly understand why it would feel that way. No one wants to see a dead person, let alone a baby… I do not post these pictures to lead people to believe I am sick or in need of help. Quite the contrary… sharing the story of our baby loss was a very healing process for me. And I am only here to help support others going through the same loss in life. If you have not experienced your own loss of a child, I don’t expect you to understand… but until you walk in my shoes, please think twice about criticizing me… Bearing this in mind, you are free to hit the back button at any time.
If you are here because of an infant loss of your own, whether is it a pregnancy loss, infant loss, child or other loved one.. know my heart is with you… I will periodically post updates on the home page of my site, if you want to see how things are going. (7/02)
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I just lost my little angel at 37 weeks (stillbirth) She was so beautiful and your website caught my attention. My little girl was delivered
on Oct. 28, 2005. It’s been real hard and I’m finding it hard to sleep at night. I feel so empty inside. How do I cope with this pain.
I wanted her so much. Everyone said I can try again. I’m now 43 yrs and felt this was it for me. I’m dazed and confused over the entire
experience. I know what you are experiencing and it’s an unexpected tragedy that no one prepares you for. For those of us who experience
this loss I pray for you.
In memory of Hannah Anial
6.52 oz
19 1/2 inches
Thank you for your note. I’m sorry for your loss. Peace to you.
Dazed, so sorry to hear of your loss. It is so fresh. I remember how fresh your pain is. Thats something you never forget. There are alot of support you can find out there. One that helped me alot was a site called MISS. They have a forum there where you are not alone. I will light my candle tonight in memory of Jordan, Hannah and my sweet Hunter. Know I pray for both of you.
I am sorry for your loss. We lost our little princess at 34 weeks cause unknown I don’t think it ever stops hurting it only get worst!!!
Six years ago today, November 19, 1999, I gave birth to a precious stillborn little boy. Feeling sentimental and a need to connect to others who have been there done that led me to your site. Jordan was a beautiful baby and was blessed to have such a caring mother to see her across that bridge. Thank you for sharing your story with such dignity and honesty, what a great tribute to your daughter. For those of you that are recently going through this time does heal the hurt but the memories always remain. God bless.
I am so sorry.
I am so moved by your story, I just lost my beautiful baby girl on April 13th. I was 34 weeks pregnant. Her name was Ella, and she too was so beautiful. I am trying to move forward, and am thinking of having children in the future. I admire your positive thinking through the hard times, thank you for sharing your story.
Just surfin and found your story. I too had a still birth Feb 2001. I delivered Jeremy at 37 weeks. They said he died from a cord accident. It was tied in a true knot. I already had 2 children and in Jan 2005 I had another child born healthy. So much of your story is like to ours. We took molds of our babies face,hands and feet and I have them in a curios. I did have a website but it was turned off around Jan 2006. Sorry to ramble … Just want you to know I know what you are going through even still today. My son would have been 7 this past Feb. You are in our prayers. Your story helps many people.
Reading your story just now was really hard for me but i appreciate the fact that you were able to share something so hard. I am currently pregnant and am knowingly going to have a still birth. as of right now my baby’s heart is still beating but i know it wont be when i go to deliver… you see the baby has a weak heart, cysts and something called hydrops it has cause the body to swell and the heart is not strong enough to make it through. for me it is hard to continue to carry a child knowing that it could be any moment that it will be gone and not being able to do anything for it. I have 2 children already and they both are healthy and beautiful… but thats what has made it so much harder. My son is three and was so excited that he was going to have a baby brother or sister, and now i had to explain that baby Jaden will not be able to play or see him…. It is the worst thing that i could think of happening to anyone but knowing its happening to me is like a dream. I read your story for inspiration and incite on what i might do after the baby is here. People say that by letting the baby fight for life knowing it wont make it is just making it suffer more. I see it as allowing a life a chance. I thank you and your husband for being so strong and allowing others to know your story. I just hope that i will be able to be so strong when its time.
thank you again
i just wanted to say how beautiful your daughter is, and how blessed you and your husband are to have had such a precious child. I myself have not experienced the loss of a child, but a very close friend of mine has. I could not begin to imagine how it feels for the parents, but i know it would be far from easy. I truly admire your strength and think you are an incredible woman. Your an inspiration for others going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing her with us, shes such a beautiful gift. A face i will find hard to forget. God bless you and your family.
Thank you Steph, your comment means a lot to me.
Jordan is quite a beautiful baby girl. I am so sorry for her loss. You are a wonderful writer, your story moved me. Much love to you and your family tonight. I will say a prayer for you all.
Thank you for sharing your story. Jordan was such a beautiful baby. My husband and I have lost two babies at 30 weeks. Holding our babies and taking pictures helped us bond with them before saying goodbye.
STEPH-My heart goes out to you. We found out 6 weeks before our little boy Ethan was born that he would only be here for a ‘visit’. I remember that surreal time when he was in my belly. Looking back, it was a chance for me to say goodbye slowly. I comforted him and myself, rocking in my rocking chair, knowing he was safely nestled within my belly and deeply loved. I did, however, have some uncomfortable experiences with others who did not understand our choice to continue to carry our baby. Trust your own instincts. Only you know what is best for you and your special baby.
Love and healing to you all.
I am so sorry for your losses. God bless you all and may the peace of God which transcends all understanding guide your hearths and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7
sorry about your little precious baby. i lost my first baby stillborn slso 8 years ago feb. 27 , 2001. till this day it still hurts my husband seen my little amberlynn brooke drury they would not let me see or hold my baby they wrapped her in a blanket and rushed out with her with backed turned so i would not see her. i was only 7 mths. pregnant when i lost her. but out of all blessings 2 yrs. later i had a daughter named laurie ann drury she is my miracle child born august 24, 2003. may god bless you as he did for me.
We lost our son, William, stillborn on April 1, and had been planning a home birth. Two of my other children had been born at home. I’m glad they treated you well. We were treated kindly, too. I was surprised – and realized, later, it was the best “hospital birth” I’d ever had, in that sense. All because the baby was already dead… :(
Inannas last blog post..The Present
I am 22 years old, My husband died when i was 20 weeks into my pregnancy. My little James was going to my rememberace of him, however, James died soon after i went into labor. Me and my husband made sure to have stored away sperm in a sperm bank, I am almost infertile. My sister across this and i felt insipred. I held James and took pictures of him too.
I’ll pray for Jordan and all the other lost, loved children. I believe that they watch over the other children.
Thank you, you have helped me heal immensly
Lily
Good luck to you Lily… my heart goes out to you and all you’ve been through.
I know that loosing a loved one is devastating but I found comfort in the loving arms of God. He has the power to take it all away but in his wisdom he does it at our pace and the more it hurts the more we have loved. Talk to him and ask him to help you find peace. Leave your loved one in his hands for that is the best place to be. There are things that happen in our lives and we do not understand why but know that he loves us and wants to have a personal relationship with us. He helped me overcome all the pain and he uses other people to let us know it will be OK. If you want to talk more about it you can e-mail me directly, I would love to hear from your or we can pray together for eachother.
Blessings
Your Jordan has touched my life. I delivered my daughter Lily May 15, 2009 at 39 weeks stillborn. They look a lot alike and our stories are so similar. Our thing is Ladybugs and Lilies of course. I just want you to know that posting your story on here makes her memory last forever. This has really helped me in my healing process and I hope that makes you feel happy. I hope that one day people will tell me that my Lily has touched lives too.
Kelly my heart goes out to you and your family. May God give you his peace and know that your Lily is safe and surrounded with love.
I am so sorry for your loss, to anyone who has lost a child. I stumbled across your site in search of more information about still births and pregnancy.
A friend of mine had a still born last night and it is heartbreaking. I cannot imagine the pain and horror of what that would feel like. I am so so sorry. x
i am so sorry for your loss. i have not had a stillborn myself, but 6 weeks to the day after having my baby girl my sister in law delivered her stillborn daughter at 37 weeks. all the hopes and dreams of raising them together and the excitement of it were dashed. my daughter is now 9 months and hers has been gone almost 8. she still has a very hard time being around me. i completely understand but its still hard. im so heartbroken over it i cant imagine what she must be feeling!! i cant even look at her without feeling so much guilt!! it just seems so unfair. the strength you have shown amazes me. i remember shortly after she died that i couldnt even talk i just sobbed and my sister in law hugged me and said “itll be okay in time”. i couldnt believe her strength. i have a new found respect and love for her and her husband. she is now pregnant again and i hope and pray that everything goes well for them!!!!
I am a grandmother to a stillborn granddaughter. My daughter gave birth two years ago to her only child at 39 weeks after being told at her checkup that the heart had stopped. We were told after the autopsy that a blood clot had formed and gone to the lungs. I still cannot cope with it, for it still seems like a nightmare, watching my daughter go through labor, crying out loud not to give birth to a dead baby. She is not the same person any longer. She is not with the father of the baby, for they separated upon learning she was pregnant. She is also almost 40 years old and it took her years to get pregnant, so she is afraid that her time to be a mother and raise a child is passed. I too have worries that her chance is slim. She has not even met anyone to have a new relationship with. I get so sick in my heart so often even after two years, and I cannot be happy for them when I see other women pregnant. I feel cheated and angry, and I do not believe the anger will ever go away. I have no family to help with this pain for my husband commited suicide 9 years ago, so I am all my daughter has. She is afraid of growing old when I am gone with nobody. I cannot reassure her that it will not be the case either.
yesterday(november 21) i delivered my first child. stillborn. i was 41 wks. a week overdue. it was a girl. 8lbs 11oz 21in long 14 in head. i cant believe this has happened. if i had induced a wk ago at term she would be here alive and healthy. how am i supposed to go on? instead of leaving the hospital with my baby girl my husband and i left empty and alone. we had to leave and go straight to the mortuary to make cremation arrangements. i cant even describe how this has felt to family and friends. i cant wrap my brain around it myself. to hold your child so lifeless and white, is excruciating!! i just want to crawl into a hole and die. i miss her. i want her back. how have you found the strength to go on? i ache in every part of my body. my heart is broken. she was so beautiful. 10 fingers 10 toes. i just cant understand. my baby is gone!!!
I am sorry for your loss. I just lost my grandaughter, last week. Her name was also Jordan. Jordan was my son’s first baby. Mom and Dad are in so much pain and I do not know how to help them. As a mother I am suppossed to keep my children from pain, but i am now helpless.
God bless you and your family.
Hi, I am so sorry reading all of your stories, i know what you are going through, My daughter Grace was stillborn at 38 weeks weighing 7lb 10z (NOV 03) she was beautiful with lots of black hair. Grace was my second child,my son at the time was 4 yrs old so it was very hard having to explain to him what had happened. Grace would of been 6 nov just gone (2009) I still ache for her now my heart will never be complete again, I just dont understand why it happens. I have had 2 healthy pregnacies after Grace, my son is 5 now and my daughter is 4, but I still feel empty when I think of Grace. I am currently studying to become a qualified midwife and would love to help other people through this sad and tough time, I will use my experiance to comfort them.
thank you I just recently lost my nephew to stillbirth and reading your story was a real help to me. It helped me understand what my brother and sister is going through from the point of view of someone that’s been through the same bittersweet event, and I believe that’s exactly how she would describe it as well because seing my nephew, Ashton’s, beautiful face will always be something that has touched our lives and left an imprint in our hearts
In memory of my beautiful nephew Ashton Donovan
your website caught my eye and I give u and your family my deepest sympathy i just lost my son at 22 weeks on march 11 2010
Thank you for posting this to share your experience with others. I am the grandmother of a much beloved little baby boy who was born still on May 21, 2010. I agonize that my daughter went through this alone. She and her husband had just finished sharing lunch, and the exc itement and anticipation of knowing they would be first time parents soon. She was a week overdue with induction to be done May 24th. She was having contractions and took a shower to help ease the pain. She felt a pain on her side and felt something not right. She was told to go to the hospital and they could not locate his heartbeat. A sonogram showed that the placenta had separated from the wall. She delivered him within 50 minutes of getting to the hospital. She was in so much pain and agony from the loss of her baby she went AMA. Baby Garrett was perfect in every way – 22 inches long and 8 pounds, 11 ounces. It has been like walking around in a bad dream. The only way you can describe how you feel is that it feels like someone skinned you alive and you are exposed to all the elements. Many people have been so kind to us all as we grieve, but there have been people, even within our family who want to act like Baby Garrett never existed – and wipe out every vestige of evidence that we were preparing for this beloved boy. Prayer has been so helpful – but there are still some days where you feel like you can’t even get out of bed. Having to be strong for my daughter and her husband, for my own husband and others, I have not been able to break down and grieve for this beautiful baby. And yet, I feel so helpless when I see my daughter and her husband struggle to make their way through this. Thank you for letting me share about my beautiful nieto (grandson) and how much I miss him….we all miss him…
Hello, I read your story and the others that have followed and my heart goes out to all of you. On the 30th of June 2010 I gave birth to my beautiful son Joseph at 24 weeks. I have a son who will be turning two a few days before Joseph was due in October. I feel like Joseph’s spirit is helping my husband and I heal but I think of him constantly and my heart and body constantly aches for him. I miss him terribly and it is hard to except that no amount of wishes or prayers could bring him back. Believing that he is in heaven safe in God’s arms helps me. I hope that time lessens the pain but he will never be forgotten.
In memory of my angel. Mummy and Daddy miss you so much. x x x x x
My friend just lost her baby 1 month ago. She was a stillborn’ due to a fibroid. I am haunted by this loss. I can not imagine what she is going through. Two days ago, my friends niece lost her baby. It was delivered about 10 weeks early because the baby had died inside her. Four years ago, my niece and nephew lost their baby the same way. WHY does this keep happening to so many wonderful people. I wish they could read your story. I don’t know how to bring it up. It would be so helpful to them. It is something I fear they will never get over. Through the years, I’ve known so many couples that have lost their precious babies to stillbirth. I understand miscarriage, I had one myself. It was extremely painful; but to go through a stillbirth is unimagineable to me. I pray for all of you and your families and for all your little angels.
thank you everyone for sharing your experiences. On 8th of August, my younger brother lost his boy child, stillborn. my soon to be sister in law was a week overdue. Three days later my heart is bleeding with pain. I cannot imagine what they are going through. I can’t bring myself to simply say “they can have another one” as if this little soul is just another item in the production line.
My heart goes out you all, the mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunties, uncles and cousins. It is painful but I will hang on to your words of strength which say that time will heal.
My name is Jessica and I gave birth to my sleeping angel named Faith she was born on May 30th 2010 at 2:12am 7lbs 20 1/2in. That was the sadest day of our lives… I feel some days I can’t go on.. But I have to I still have my other two children who talk about her everyday and tears just roll down my checks. I went into labor at 39 weeks and 4 days they could’nt find her heartbeat I knew she was gone.. It was so hard for me I was so ready for this little princess that never got to be.. I think about her everyday. The doctors gave me know reason why she died. Ill never know what happend to her… I hope I never have to go through this again my heart hurts so bad for her. I wake up every morning and see her little pink eurn.. And wish she was there in her bed instead. Mommy, Daddy, Sister and Brother miss you so much…