After Jordan’s stillbirth.
The nurse cleaned me up, the doctors left the room, the nurse made sure we had the placenta and could get it home to a freezer and then she left.
We begin the process of healing, grieving the loss of our baby, the loss of our child.
Jordan was with us from birth until our hospital stay was done. We held her, we kissed her. We took pictures of her. We shared her with our family… which before had seemed an almost morbid thought to me, the thought of looking, touching or holding a lifeless body, but at this time, was so right, so important to others too. We kept her close to us, and napped a bit before getting ready to go home. No one bothered us, no one came in. Oh, not true, the nurse who helped, she came in to tell me she was going home soon. She told me we did good, gave me a hug, gave Bob a hug. She told us Jordan was beautiful. She had tears in her eyes after Jordan’s birth, and again when she left. She told me she would think of me on Mother’s Day. And true to her word, I received a phone call from her yesterday, making sure I was ok. We napped in the room, with Jordan by us… I looked at Jordan’s mouth and did feel so much sadness that those perfect little lips would never wrap around my nipple to nurse, never smile, never wrinkle in fits of frustration… so sad.
When we were ready to go, we asked the nurse to come get her. We couldn’t leave her alone in the room. We stood and cried and held each other. To watch our baby go… and us… leaving the hospital alone. I carried a blanket the whole time I was there. The one I wanted for her so bad, it is now my blanket. I’ve slept with it every night, held it close. She left holding a little pink elephant. We will pick up her things this week from the hospital.
We had Jordan at 5:08p and didn’t leave the hospital until 12a, so we had her with us for 7 very short hours. But, we had her to ourselves for every minute of those 7 hours.
I just wanted everyone to know how good they were to us. Things weren’t at all how we wanted. But, they were good to us. Gave us privacy through the whole visit, from the beginning all the way up to the end. We couldn’t have asked for any better.
Just one more thought, before we went to the hospital, I have to say I was terrified of going through labor to birth a stillborn baby, our Jordan. I was so prepared for a homebirth, natural, in water. This was not what I’d planned for, not was I was prepared for. I was so afraid of what birthing a still baby would do to me. I didn’t think I’d have the strength. More than one person, worrying about me, suggested a c-section. For some reason, that just was not even an option. I felt so strongly that having Jordan vaginally was important. I felt that it was part of the healing process for me, no matter how scared I was. It turned out that it wasn’t what I thought. I didn’t cry right after her birth, I felt right. It was supposed to be this way, I was healing already, and Jordan was helping me. Just like birthing a live baby brings a woman joy, I felt joy at birthing Jordan. It was bittersweet, true, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.
We have already started our healing, but we knew it could not begin until Jordan was released, and so we did. I believe that Jordan’s soul went long before her birth, her release was for us, her family. I am now the mother of 3 girls. One an Angel, born with wings.
Just a quick note.. at the time of this writing, it’s a new year, January 2005.Â We have gone on to have 2 more babies.Â Teigen, our unassisted homebirth water baby and Ryland, our last, a midwife assisted hospital birth.Â We still think about where our little Jordan would be today, if we she had lived.Â However, we do not wish to change the fact that we have two wonderful boys now and two older daughters.Â We are not people to live in the past… we always do our best to look forward.Â
It saddens us each time we hear of an infant loss… During our past two pregnancies.. two list-mom friends have lost their babies.Â After our loss, there were certain things that I seemed to almost search out.Â Angels, Dolphins, Butterflies, Ladybugs in particular, I even had a blanket of Jordan’s that I loved.Â Everyone has their own thing in which they find comfort. Searching for Infant Loss Gifts, Memorial Gifts or Remembrance Gifts could bring up some items which would be beneficial to grieving families.
Below are pictures of our daughter. Please keep in mind, she was stillborn. These stillborn baby pictures are not meant to be unnerving to others.. though I certainly understand why it would feel that way. No one wants to see a dead person, let alone a baby… I do not post these pictures to lead people to believe I am sick or in need of help. Quite the contrary… sharing the story of our baby loss was a very healing process for me. And I am only here to help support others going through the same loss in life. If you have not experienced your own loss of a child, I don’t expect you to understand… but until you walk in my shoes, please think twice about criticizing me… Bearing this in mind, you are free to hit the back button at any time.
If you are here because of an infant loss of your own, whether is it a pregnancy loss, infant loss, child or other loved one.. know my heart is with you… I will periodically post updates on the home page of my site, if you want to see how things are going. (7/02)