Loading ...Jordan – Stillbirth (after)
- by Judi ~ November 4, 2005
After Jordan’s stillbirth.
The nurse cleaned me up, the doctors left the room, the nurse made sure we had the placenta and could get it home to a freezer and then she left.
We begin the process of healing, grieving the loss of our baby, the loss of our child.
Jordan was with us from birth until our hospital stay was done. We held her, we kissed her. We took pictures of her. We shared her with our family… which before had seemed an almost morbid thought to me, the thought of looking, touching or holding a lifeless body, but at this time, was so right, so important to others too. We kept her close to us, and napped a bit before getting ready to go home. No one bothered us, no one came in. Oh, not true, the nurse who helped, she came in to tell me she was going home soon. She told me we did good, gave me a hug, gave Bob a hug. She told us Jordan was beautiful. She had tears in her eyes after Jordan’s birth, and again when she left. She told me she would think of me on Mother’s Day. And true to her word, I received a phone call from her yesterday, making sure I was ok. We napped in the room, with Jordan by us… I looked at Jordan’s mouth and did feel so much sadness that those perfect little lips would never wrap around my nipple to nurse, never smile, never wrinkle in fits of frustration… so sad.
When we were ready to go, we asked the nurse to come get her. We couldn’t leave her alone in the room. We stood and cried and held each other. To watch our baby go… and us… leaving the hospital alone. I carried a blanket the whole time I was there. The one I wanted for her so bad, it is now my blanket. I’ve slept with it every night, held it close. She left holding a little pink elephant. We will pick up her things this week from the hospital.
We had Jordan at 5:08p and didn’t leave the hospital until 12a, so we had her with us for 7 very short hours. But, we had her to ourselves for every minute of those 7 hours.
I just wanted everyone to know how good they were to us. Things weren’t at all how we wanted. But, they were good to us. Gave us privacy through the whole visit, from the beginning all the way up to the end. We couldn’t have asked for any better.
Just one more thought, before we went to the hospital, I have to say I was terrified of going through labor to birth a stillborn baby, our Jordan. I was so prepared for a homebirth, natural, in water. This was not what I’d planned for, not was I was prepared for. I was so afraid of what birthing a still baby would do to me. I didn’t think I’d have the strength. More than one person, worrying about me, suggested a c-section. For some reason, that just was not even an option. I felt so strongly that having Jordan vaginally was important. I felt that it was part of the healing process for me, no matter how scared I was. It turned out that it wasn’t what I thought. I didn’t cry right after her birth, I felt right. It was supposed to be this way, I was healing already, and Jordan was helping me. Just like birthing a live baby brings a woman joy, I felt joy at birthing Jordan. It was bittersweet, true, but I wouldn’t want it any other way.
We have already started our healing, but we knew it could not begin until Jordan was released, and so we did. I believe that Jordan’s soul went long before her birth, her release was for us, her family. I am now the mother of 3 girls. One an Angel, born with wings.
Just a quick note.. at the time of this writing, it’s a new year, January 2005. We have gone on to have 2 more babies. Teigen, our unassisted homebirth water baby and Ryland, our last, a midwife assisted hospital birth. We still think about where our little Jordan would be today, if we she had lived. However, we do not wish to change the fact that we have two wonderful boys now and two older daughters. We are not people to live in the past… we always do our best to look forward.Â
It saddens us each time we hear of an infant loss… During our past two pregnancies.. two list-mom friends have lost their babies. After our loss, there were certain things that I seemed to almost search out. Angels, Dolphins, Butterflies, Ladybugs in particular, I even had a blanket of Jordan’s that I loved. Everyone has their own thing in which they find comfort. Searching for Infant Loss Gifts, Memorial Gifts or Remembrance Gifts could bring up some items which would be beneficial to grieving families.
Below are pictures of our daughter. Please keep in mind, she was stillborn. These stillborn baby pictures are not meant to be unnerving to others.. though I certainly understand why it would feel that way. No one wants to see a dead person, let alone a baby… I do not post these pictures to lead people to believe I am sick or in need of help. Quite the contrary… sharing the story of our baby loss was a very healing process for me. And I am only here to help support others going through the same loss in life. If you have not experienced your own loss of a child, I don’t expect you to understand… but until you walk in my shoes, please think twice about criticizing me… Bearing this in mind, you are free to hit the back button at any time.
If you are here because of an infant loss of your own, whether is it a pregnancy loss, infant loss, child or other loved one.. know my heart is with you… I will periodically post updates on the home page of my site, if you want to see how things are going. (7/02)
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Tags: birth stories, Daily Life, jordan riley, stillbirth, stillbirth pictures
20 Responses for "Jordan – Stillbirth (after)"
[...] Jordan Riley – Disclaimer Jordan’s Birth After the Birth [...]
I just lost my little angel at 37 weeks (stillbirth) She was so beautiful and your website caught my attention. My little girl was delivered
on Oct. 28, 2005. It’s been real hard and I’m finding it hard to sleep at night. I feel so empty inside. How do I cope with this pain.
I wanted her so much. Everyone said I can try again. I’m now 43 yrs and felt this was it for me. I’m dazed and confused over the entire
experience. I know what you are experiencing and it’s an unexpected tragedy that no one prepares you for. For those of us who experience
this loss I pray for you.
In memory of Hannah Anial
6.52 oz
19 1/2 inches
Thank you for your note. I’m sorry for your loss. Peace to you.
Dazed, so sorry to hear of your loss. It is so fresh. I remember how fresh your pain is. Thats something you never forget. There are alot of support you can find out there. One that helped me alot was a site called MISS. They have a forum there where you are not alone. I will light my candle tonight in memory of Jordan, Hannah and my sweet Hunter. Know I pray for both of you.
I am sorry for your loss. We lost our little princess at 34 weeks cause unknown I don’t think it ever stops hurting it only get worst!!!
Six years ago today, November 19, 1999, I gave birth to a precious stillborn little boy. Feeling sentimental and a need to connect to others who have been there done that led me to your site. Jordan was a beautiful baby and was blessed to have such a caring mother to see her across that bridge. Thank you for sharing your story with such dignity and honesty, what a great tribute to your daughter. For those of you that are recently going through this time does heal the hurt but the memories always remain. God bless.
I am so sorry.
I am so moved by your story, I just lost my beautiful baby girl on April 13th. I was 34 weeks pregnant. Her name was Ella, and she too was so beautiful. I am trying to move forward, and am thinking of having children in the future. I admire your positive thinking through the hard times, thank you for sharing your story.
Just surfin and found your story. I too had a still birth Feb 2001. I delivered Jeremy at 37 weeks. They said he died from a cord accident. It was tied in a true knot. I already had 2 children and in Jan 2005 I had another child born healthy. So much of your story is like to ours. We took molds of our babies face,hands and feet and I have them in a curios. I did have a website but it was turned off around Jan 2006. Sorry to ramble … Just want you to know I know what you are going through even still today. My son would have been 7 this past Feb. You are in our prayers. Your story helps many people.
Reading your story just now was really hard for me but i appreciate the fact that you were able to share something so hard. I am currently pregnant and am knowingly going to have a still birth. as of right now my baby’s heart is still beating but i know it wont be when i go to deliver… you see the baby has a weak heart, cysts and something called hydrops it has cause the body to swell and the heart is not strong enough to make it through. for me it is hard to continue to carry a child knowing that it could be any moment that it will be gone and not being able to do anything for it. I have 2 children already and they both are healthy and beautiful… but thats what has made it so much harder. My son is three and was so excited that he was going to have a baby brother or sister, and now i had to explain that baby Jaden will not be able to play or see him…. It is the worst thing that i could think of happening to anyone but knowing its happening to me is like a dream. I read your story for inspiration and incite on what i might do after the baby is here. People say that by letting the baby fight for life knowing it wont make it is just making it suffer more. I see it as allowing a life a chance. I thank you and your husband for being so strong and allowing others to know your story. I just hope that i will be able to be so strong when its time.
thank you again
i just wanted to say how beautiful your daughter is, and how blessed you and your husband are to have had such a precious child. I myself have not experienced the loss of a child, but a very close friend of mine has. I could not begin to imagine how it feels for the parents, but i know it would be far from easy. I truly admire your strength and think you are an incredible woman. Your an inspiration for others going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing her with us, shes such a beautiful gift. A face i will find hard to forget. God bless you and your family.
Thank you Steph, your comment means a lot to me.
Jordan is quite a beautiful baby girl. I am so sorry for her loss. You are a wonderful writer, your story moved me. Much love to you and your family tonight. I will say a prayer for you all.
Thank you for sharing your story. Jordan was such a beautiful baby. My husband and I have lost two babies at 30 weeks. Holding our babies and taking pictures helped us bond with them before saying goodbye.
STEPH-My heart goes out to you. We found out 6 weeks before our little boy Ethan was born that he would only be here for a ‘visit’. I remember that surreal time when he was in my belly. Looking back, it was a chance for me to say goodbye slowly. I comforted him and myself, rocking in my rocking chair, knowing he was safely nestled within my belly and deeply loved. I did, however, have some uncomfortable experiences with others who did not understand our choice to continue to carry our baby. Trust your own instincts. Only you know what is best for you and your special baby.
Love and healing to you all.
I am so sorry for your losses. God bless you all and may the peace of God which transcends all understanding guide your hearths and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7
sorry about your little precious baby. i lost my first baby stillborn slso 8 years ago feb. 27 , 2001. till this day it still hurts my husband seen my little amberlynn brooke drury they would not let me see or hold my baby they wrapped her in a blanket and rushed out with her with backed turned so i would not see her. i was only 7 mths. pregnant when i lost her. but out of all blessings 2 yrs. later i had a daughter named laurie ann drury she is my miracle child born august 24, 2003. may god bless you as he did for me.
We lost our son, William, stillborn on April 1, and had been planning a home birth. Two of my other children had been born at home. I’m glad they treated you well. We were treated kindly, too. I was surprised – and realized, later, it was the best “hospital birth” I’d ever had, in that sense. All because the baby was already dead… :(
Inannas last blog post..The Present
I am 22 years old, My husband died when i was 20 weeks into my pregnancy. My little James was going to my rememberace of him, however, James died soon after i went into labor. Me and my husband made sure to have stored away sperm in a sperm bank, I am almost infertile. My sister across this and i felt insipred. I held James and took pictures of him too.
I’ll pray for Jordan and all the other lost, loved children. I believe that they watch over the other children.
Thank you, you have helped me heal immensly
Lily
Good luck to you Lily… my heart goes out to you and all you’ve been through.
I know that loosing a loved one is devastating but I found comfort in the loving arms of God. He has the power to take it all away but in his wisdom he does it at our pace and the more it hurts the more we have loved. Talk to him and ask him to help you find peace. Leave your loved one in his hands for that is the best place to be. There are things that happen in our lives and we do not understand why but know that he loves us and wants to have a personal relationship with us. He helped me overcome all the pain and he uses other people to let us know it will be OK. If you want to talk more about it you can e-mail me directly, I would love to hear from your or we can pray together for eachother.
Blessings
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